I Need Someone Who Understands
I started questioning the church when I was in high school. My dad got burned by the church, and we spent most of my high school years not attending our local Adventist church. I went to an Adventist academy, but most of my friends were either non-Adventists or in a similar boat to me. I wasn’t friends with the “good Adventist” kids. It always felt very clique-ish, and I felt like an outsider. I still think of my family as “Badventists” because we never really leaned into the more fundamentalist types of Adventism. We never really read EGW, but we did respect her as a prophet.
I grew up in a more liberal Californian congregation, but I still felt guilty when I didn’t keep the Sabbath or when I drank coffee, which I started doing at Andrews—lol. I always believed in God and Jesus, but I never had a personal relationship. In college, I just decided to rebel, which I did by drinking coffee and sleeping around. I developed severe anxiety and depression, and while I am mostly healed from those issues now, almost four years later, those issues still flare up every once in a while. I can’t tell if my anxiety and depression are part of my Adventist childhood or something else.
I just started listening to Apologia Studios and Former Adventist podcast, and both of those resources are helping me to disentangle my faith. But I am so confused and don’t know what I believe anymore. I am so distrustful of my own thoughts and beliefs, and I feel very lost. Your podcast series where you read through the 28 fundamental beliefs is so helpful, but it is a lot of information to process. I can’t stress how busy my life has been these last few months.
I realized that my Adventist upbringing was a lot further from God’s truth and the gospel than I thought, and that makes me question whether I really am saved. I was baptized at 13 into the Adventist church, and I’ve gone through several moments where I’ve been “saved” and then “saved” again. I know that that’s not right—you are saved once, and then the Holy Spirit starts the sanctification process. I had a moment several months ago where I repented for all of my sins, even the really bad ones, and I accepted Jesus as my savior, but it doesn’t feel real still. I still feel very bad and undeserving, especially with my husband who is so kind and patient and loving toward me. What does it feel like when you really are saved? Am I saved or not?
I want to love the Lord and Jesus. I really don’t care how many of my former beliefs I have to give up or how painful the process is. I just want to know the truth.
I guess what I’m looking for is someone to talk through my feelings with. My husband grew up Baptist and then switched to Pentecostal/non denominational, so he doesn’t quite understand what I am going through.
Do you have any advice? I want that blessed assurance and the joy and peace that surpasses all understanding, but I just feel confused and uncertain. I like to listen to podcasts and read, so are there any resources that you could recommend to help me with my disentanglement process?
—VIA EMAIL
Response: Thank you for writing! I am thanking God right now for His work in your life. He is revealing Himself to you!
You are listening to good resources. What I suspect, based on my own experience as an Adventist, is that you need to understand the new covenant and the pure gospel. The indoctrination that says we have to somehow display our “salvation” by our good works is deeply ingrained in our Adventist minds, and it takes an understanding of what Jesus really did and who He really is to clear up our confusion.
Once we believe, and it sounds as if you have asked the Lord Jesus to be your Savior, we still have to grow through all the confusion that fills our heads.
Here is my suggestion for starters. First, go to our podcast numbers 26, 27, 29, 31, 33, and 35 to hear our discussions of the biblical covenants. We were never taught the biblical covenants as Adventists, and that understanding explains the law and what Jesus actually did when He came. Then, beginning with #37, go through the podcasts discussing the book of Hebrews. Hebrews moves chapter by chapter explaining how Jesus is greater than Moses, than the Law, than the levitical priesthood, and so on. It explains the new covenant and our incredible inheritance through Jesus when we trust Him.
I just can’t overstate how significant the covenants are. After going through Hebrews, you can also find our podcasts through Colossians, Ephesians, and Galatians. I believe those will be very helpful to you.
I know what you mean about Christians not understanding what you feel and fear, wonder and ask. They can’t possibly understand how we “see” reality, a worldview based on our Adventist upbringing. But God knows, and He is putting the hunger for truth in your heart, and He never tricks us or deceives us.
I also want to suggest something that might sound overly simple, but it will be worth its weight in gold. Get a notebook, and spend a little time each day literally copying Scripture, one book at a time, a few verses a day, into the notebook. I don’t know anything besides Scripture that can undo our confusion and plant us in truth and reality. I suggest you begin with Galatians. When you are finished, go to the gospel of John and copy it. After John, pursue Hebrews, Colossians, Ephesians, Romans, and so forth. Ask God to teach you what He already knows He wants you to understand, and He will.
I am going to give you a couple of other resources as well. The first is a video from an FAF conference:
Here is an article that compares and explains the great controversy worldview with a biblical worldview:
Please feel free to email anytime. I completely resonate with your frustration, confusion, and up-and-down emotions. You are NORMAL, Rebecca. We all go through this tumult as we discover the truth of the real gospel.
And I pray that the podcasts I recommended above are helpful to you.
Love the Revelation Episodes
Found [the podcast] by chance; I have listened to all the episodes on Revelation so far. There are some excellent points raised. Great presentation although I differ on some details.
I am in Australia.
—VIA EMAIL
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