Should I Honor My Parents’ Insistence I Not Remove My Membership?
I just wanted to get your advice on some thoughts I’ve been praying through and processing regarding baptism and membership.
I plan to get baptized soon. But I am unsure if I should invite my parents to the baptism. I do not think my dad will come; he is really firm on the whole “Sunday is false”Adventist belief. When I brought it up to my mom, she said she would want to attend, but I do question her motives as to why she wants to attend. She was recently “re-baptized” a few months ago at an Adventist offshoot meeting.
Leaving Adventism a few years ago while living in an Adventist home was one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve ever gone through. My mom called me hurtful names, gaslighted me, talked down to me, and emotionally abused me in some ways. I fear that may happen again if they do attend the baptism. However, I do feel that I shouldn’t let my fears and attempts of self-preservation get in the way of what God can do if He chooses to use it in some way if they attend. How they react should not be my concern because God is with me, and this is the cost of following Him—but it is hard. I also feel that I should invite them and give them the chance to decide if they want to come.
I’ve also considered whether I should adjust or not be “too harsh” about the truth of Adventist teachings in my testimony that is shared before the baptism in a way that would not offend Adventists, but I don’t think that would be an honest version of my story. The story God has given me, and many of us former Adventists, is His powerful work that I don’t believe should be diminished.
As for membership, I was ready to remove my membership back when I left, but my parents stopped me. They said I was not allowed to remove it until I found another church. I complied and did not rush the process of finding a new church but prayerfully and patiently made the decision to attend the church I’m at now, four years later. Now that I’ve found another church, they still say no…“Why would you embarrass and disgrace us like this?” They have gone to lengths such as to try to hide the current Adventist church directory from me because my name is still in there.
I’ve spoken to some of the pastors and elders at my current church about this. They do encourage me to count the cost and remove my membership at the right time, but they are not rushing me at all to do so. Likewise, I want to be prayerful in the way I go about this. Baptism is definitely the next step for me, but I may wait some more time for membership. But I wonder, at what level does honoring my parents with whom I still live with turn into obeying them instead of the Lord? Is it really disrespectful and dishonoring in the Lord’s eyes for me to remove my membership from Adventism?
Paul says in Galatians that those who preach another gospel should be accursed! The Adventist church preaches a false gospel that I do not want my name attached to. Some may see it as just a name on a piece of paper. God could even use my membership removal in his own way.
Sometimes I wonder whether I should get baptized and remove my membership and not tell them at all. I also don’t think it’s fair for them to want to attend my baptism and then not allow me to remove my membership.
At the end of the day, I know that in leaving Adventism I have come to Christ alone and have become a part of the body of Christ, not a specific congregation, but I do believe church membership important.
—VIAL EMAIL
Response: Praise God that you are planning to be baptized!
The question of inviting your parents is significant. The background you have had with them in which they tried to keep you from leaving Adventism and shamed and guilted you reveals that they are not open to discovering the true gospel nor the truth about their own beliefs at this time.
Your situation reminds me of Jesus’ words:
“Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to SET A MAN AGAINST HIS FATHER, AND A DAUGHTER AGAINST HER MOTHER, AND A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW AGAINST HER MOTHER-IN-LAW; and A MAN’S ENEMIES WILL BE THE MEMBERS OF HIS HOUSEHOLD. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. “And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it (Mat 10:32-39).
Jesus said that He Himself brings a sword between the closest human relationships, and this division is because those who trust Jesus and are born again are members of a NEW kingdom. When we trust Jesus, God Himself gives us a new citizenship:
For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins (Col 1:13-14).
Your parents are still citizens of the domain of darkness into which we all are born; you are now a new citizen of the Kingdom of the Beloved Son, and your new citizenship is entirely the work of God! He gave you a new identity!
You are under no obligation to invite your parents or even to tell them what you are doing. I understand that many of us grew up feeling that honoring our parents included having them advised of all we do and that we needed their approval. Indeed, it would be absolutely wonderful to have our parents’ approval and blessing for the things we do throughout our lives, but God has said that our primary allegiance is to the Lord Jesus. What we do, we do as to the Lord—from our work to our relationships…
When we trust Jesus, we are born of God (Jn. 1:12), and the Father actually adopts us (Romans 8:14–178; Gal. 4:4). We have a new Father and a new heritage and a new citizenship. Your earthly parents are still in the domain of darkness, and they will oppose what you stand for in your new life in Christ. Jesus is the One who said not cast one’s pearls before swine, because swine do not appreciate pearls. Jesus said that the swine would trample the pearls under foot and then turn “and tear you to pieces” (Mt. 7:6).
The fact that you feel so uncomfortable with your mother attending your baptism suggests to me that your mother may bring her own spiritual darkness with her, and you may feel guarded and inhibited as you testify of your new life in Jesus. My personal advice to you is that you do not smooth over what you want to say about Adventism but that you tell the truth. As you said, God gives us our own stories with Him, and honoring the Lord Jesus who literally died for you is your (and our) number one responsibility…
They cannot keep you from removing your membership, either. You are an autonomous adult, and that decision is yours alone with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. They cannot stop you; your obedience is to the Lord. Simultaneously, they cannot insist on attending your baptism…
When you become part of the body of Christ, all other loyalties and authorities become subservient to your loyalty to the Lord. You do not owe any submission to your parents that undermines your new life in Christ. For two millennia, Christ-followers have been separating from family when that family attempts to prevent the believer from honoring God. What Jesus said is true: our loyalty to Him is a sword that separates the closest family ties with our families that are still in spiritual darkness.
The Lord will reveal to you how He wants you to proceed. He will show you what to do about your living arrangements, and He will guide you in your testimony. He will help you to take a stand for Him that will protect you from the dark influences of Adventism as you are baptized as your declaration of your loyalty to Jesus.
I pray that the Lord will make it clear to you how He wants you to proceed. Do not be intimidated by Adventist pressures; the Lord has brought you this far; He said these conflicts would arise, but He has already given you a new identity and will be your wisdom as you embrace your new life and new identity. You have one great loyalty now: the Lord Jesus. He will care for you and give you wisdom, and He will also give you His courage and strength as you seek to honor your parents in a way that glorifies God.
I hope this helps.
I’m Angry, Sad, and Scared
I just finished watching your episodes on Cultish podcast on YouTube. I’m not sure why I’m writing; I think I just wanted someone to talk to. My father made us Adventists when I was about eight or nine years old. I’m 40 now.
He said he didn’t know why we would worship on Sundays when it seemed that the Sabbath was Saturday. Nobody had a good answer for him until he found the Adventists. So we changed.
I’ve been kind-of in and out if it. Things he would say didn’t make a lot of sense, but I went along with it. I thought I only kind-of followed Adventism, but now I know better.
For the last several years I’ve been living with my parents (my mother did not become Adventist, but she mostly wouldn’t do anything on Saturdays just so she wouldn’t have to listen to dad complain). After my back surgery and divorce, I had nothing, and they took me. But for the last several years I’ve been hearing this stuff, and I honestly didn’t realize how much stuff was Adventist teaching until I found your video.
We never went to church until this past year. My dad didn’t really like one of the churches he found here, so he never went back. But he bought all the books and would preach to us kids. It’s weird; we’re Adventist, but at the same time, we’re not. We eat meat—just not the unclean stuff; Sabbath is from sundown to sundown, but we believe in the Trinity—the real holy Trinity, not the Adventist one.
So last year I decided to go to church (the Adventist one) and be a “good Christian”. I’ll also note here that I recently found out I was dyslexic. When I was younger (and still to this day) my father has said that the KJV of the Bible is the only one to read, that it’s the most accurate. But I couldn’t read it. Once I decided to be a good Christian, though, I thought I would need to actually read the Bible. And even though Dad didn’t like it, I bought a New Living Translation.
Also, the church was going to give me The Clear Word but had run out of copies, so I was going to buy it from Amazon. I didn’t, though, because it said Jesus was the Archangel Michael. I thought it was weird, but dismissed it.
I thought, well I need to be able to defend my faith, so I’d better see what other people think of Adventism. I watched videos and read all the verses people were quoting from, and I couldn’t deny what they were saying—we Adventists have it wrong. (I also confirmed what I learned in my Bible AND in the King James Version because I thought my NLT was wrong). And now—I feel deceived.
I know I didn’t practice Adventism for very long, but I heard it my whole life and let it shape my life. Also, my father always says that only people like him will actually get to heaven.
I trusted him—my dad—even though I didn’t fully understand Adventism. I figured that I was confused and had it wrong. Now I feel angry—at both him and the “church” he found. But I’m also sad and scared.
My brother, his wife, and his kids have also started going to the Adventist church this year. But my brother was also brought up with these same beliefs. I want them to see the truth.
I’m afraid of losing them, because I know what they think about people who don’t worship on Saturday. I don’t know what will happen because ultimately he and I want to please Dad, to be one of the “144,000”.
I thought at first, what does it matter? I just won’t say anything and keep going to the church. But then on the Cultish video someone said, “If you truly know God, you can’t sit in the presence of false teaching and be comfortable there.”
I’m afraid of losing my father’s favor. He was so happy two of his three kids were Adventist, but I can’t go back. Not after what I know now. And now I’m afraid of falling into another church with false teachings. I haven’t fully read the Bible—I think I’m scared to find out what it actually says if I read it fully. I don’t know. I feel lost.
Anyways, thanks for listening.
—VIA EMAIL
Response: The Lord is showing you the truth. He is the One who is helping you see the deception and the confusion that defines Adventism. He is the One who is helping you see who He is!
First, your father’s reactions cannot be your “marching orders”. When the Lord Jesus reveals Himself to us, we have to respond to Him directly. Your dad may want everyone to be Adventist, but even he has not been an active member. His own ambivalence reveals his own lack of commitment. What your father is bound to is the Adventist worldview that is driven by the spirit of Adventism. A great many Adventists are in that same boat: they can’t make Adventism “work” for them, but they believe the physicalist worldview; they believe in the Sabbath, and they won’t denounce EGW.
These beliefs are the cultic beliefs of a false religion, and a deceiving spirit drives them and claims them. Your dad is bound in a spiritual bondage that is deep and hard to “see” unless one begins to glimpse biblical truth and the real Jesus.
Jesus is revealing Himself to you, and He will never drop you. Jesus said that He came not to bring peace but a sword between the closest of human relationships (Mt. 10:24–26). When we trust Jesus, we see that He is worth every loss we experience as we follow Him. You well may lose your father’s approval if you leave Adventism, but the Lord Jesus will hold you and will place you in His family. He will not leave you orphaned.
I promise you that if you read your Bible and ask the Lord to reveal Himself to you, to show you what you need to know, you will find hope and forgiveness and peace that you didn’t know was possible. Ask Jesus to help you know and trust Him and His truth and to hold you as you walk toward Him. Your father cannot steal your joy in Jesus!
Your anger is normal. We all felt anger when we realized how deceived we had been. We all felt sad and scared as well. But you can KNOW that the Bible tells the truth. God cannot lie, and He doesn’t trick us. I suggest that you begin listening to the Former Adventist Podcast. I think you will begin to understand the ways you have understood reality as shaped by Adventism, and you will begin to understand what the Bible actually says.
You are not alone. Please feel free to email anytime, and if you want to be part of our weekly FAF Bible Study on Friday evenings, just email this address for a Zoom link. We meet at 7:00 PM on Fridays, Pacific Time.
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