KELSIE PETERSEN
“Truth and reality.” These two words have changed my life, probably more than anything else, over the past five years.
Five years ago I was facing a particularly difficult personal situation, and I was seeking wisdom and counsel from a dear friend. I ll never forget her words to me expressing how she had learned to ask the Lord to ground her in “truth and reality” and to show her what was “true and real.”
Those words became my prayer in the following months and led me through an exceedingly difficult and complicated period. The intensity of that situation has lessened, but the value in that prayer has not. It has been an essential part of my requests of the Lord over the last few years, and trusting in Him to hear and answer me has become key to surviving in an upside-down world.
Leaving Adventism is confusing. If only it were as simple as changing your mind about what you believe about the fourth commandment, eating meat, Ellen White, and the other “unique doctrines.” But we all know that leaving is not just a matter of adjusting definitions. Adventism is a family, a culture, a community, a worldview, and extricating oneself from it is never that easy.
Adventism is a family, a culture, a community, a worldview, and extricating oneself from it is never that easy.
I’ve seen a few posts popping up in our Facebook group lately, sharing or seeking advice for difficult situations with family members who remain in Adventism. These dynamics seem to be an increasing topic of interest to those who have left, or are in the process of leaving, Adventism in recent months.
Leaving the culture and the community is difficult, it is true, but having close loved ones who remain staunchly grounded in their Adventism and are oppositional, or even hostile, towards family members who leave adds an extra layer of pain and confusion to the whole process.
So many questions and quandaries arise. We have been taught to obey our parents. We have been taught to “fit in” with the system. We have been taught to TRUST the system. So many questions flood our minds. What if questioning—and even leaving—Adventism is an act of inadvertent rebellion against those we are supposed to submit to? If it is right to leave Adventism, why don’t our loved ones see it? Is there something they know or see that we don’t? How far are they willing to go in their resistance of our leaving? How do we deal with disappointing, and even causing pain, to those we love so dearly?
Navigating all of these uncertainties while having also lost one’s Adventist community and culture is disorienting and confusing. It feels lonely, and at times, frightening. Sometimes the Lord sends strong mentors into our lives at just the right time, and sometimes He does not. Sometimes He is all we have.
Thankfully, He is all we need.
Truth in New Confusion
While my confusion surrounding Adventism has all but disappeared over the 17 years since we left (that should be hopeful news for those of you right in the thick of it right now!), I think it will continue to be part of life on this earth, at least some of the time, until we are called home. It seems that the past two years, especially, have brought in a new kind of confusion, yet one with very similar fallout to that of leaving Adventism. The thing that I have now, though, that I didn’t have then in a concise way, is that prayer: Lord, ground me in truth and reality. Show me what is real and what is true, and help me walk in that.
As with Adventism or any other situation dealing with differing viewpoints, walking in truth can come at a heavy cost. I’ve lost friendships. Some I’ve had to walk away from, and some have walked away from me, both causing me great pain. So, when I read your stories online of your present struggles with close family members within Adventism, I feel it keenly. Committing to truth and reality doesn’t make the losses easier, but it does provide comfort and hope IN those losses, and it helps to clear the fog of confusion when working through those difficult questions.
My hope for you who are questioning Adventism, are in the process of leaving it, or are still dealing with loved ones who cannot accept your exit, is that you will begin to pray this for yourself, that the Lord would ground you in truth and root you in reality. Pray that He would reveal both truth and reality to you in your relationships and interactions with your loved ones, and ask that He would help you walk with Him into the Truth that is bigger than we can see. †
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Dear Kelsie
I was an SDA pastor in Poland. Those who depart from Adventism always make the same mistake. They believe that they must separate themselves from the Adventists people. you must separate yourself from mistakes, not from people in the church. Love must be shown to former brothers and sisters. Adventists are taught that who depart from their teaching they are at once their enemies.
Hi, there, thanks for your comment!
I don’t advise separating oneself from Adventist people unless they are toxic or dangerous, the same as with any person, Adventist or not.
What I was referring to in this piece are situations that have been shared where Adventist friends and family have been unable to accept their loved ones exit from Adventism, and have become toxic abusive or dangerous.
Adventism is a toxic system that tends to breed toxicity, and it is not unreasonable to set up boundaries with those who will not respect our choices and boundaries, but continue to press and pressure in aggressive ways.
In some circumstances, when sorting out the confusion that comes with leaving Adventism, some distance may also be necessary in order to minimize confusion and inappropriate emotional/people pleasing ties we have with loved ones who remain SDA.
Of course, maintaining connections and relationships would be the ideal, but it is not always possible, or healthy.
At the end of it all, the prayer to remain grounded in truth and reality will be an invaluable means of discerning when it is best to maintain connection, let it fade, or initiate an interruption or an end.