It’s only a week into 2021, and it seems that the hope for the new year to be a source of relief from the difficulties that marked 2020 is dimming by the moment. At every turn there seems to be more discouraging, disheartening news, whether from world events or from one’s own circle of family and friends.
It’s easy to be discouraged, and I will be honest and tell you that, as I write this, I am discouraged. I feel the weight of significant events in world politics. For example, there are the ever-present pandemic updates with their ever-changing restrictions and lockdowns in various places throughout the world. I feel sadness and uncertainty as I hear of mounting pressures on health care in various regions, and I feel the sadness of those I know “in real life” as they struggle with health concerns—physical, mental, and emotional. I feel the sadness of my own children who have not been able to see anyone outside of our immediate family for nearly two months. Many nights, this sadness manifests as tears of loneliness and frustration, and insomnia and sleep disruptions are nightly occurrences. I feel frustration as politicians and religious leaders are exposed as frauds and liars. I feel anger when I hear story after story of spiritual, mental, and emotional abuse from those who have left Adventism. I feel helpless when I face the reality that my own struggles leave me virtually housebound under my local restrictions, as most things I am personally able to do are restricted, and the things that are not restricted are things I find myself unable to do.
So much of life has become so polarized that people even disagree on how to respond to the polarization, if that could even be possible. People who are managing well are told to have more compassion on those who aren’t, and people who aren’t managing well are told to “be positive, make the best of things!”
I suppose, currently, I land in the side of “people who aren’t managing well,” and, truth be told, for the moment, I’m ok with that. In Adventism, it seemed necessary always to portray a “doing well” front to anyone I encountered.
Life is difficult, though, and the challenges seem much more apparent to me now that I’m out of Adventism and placed in the body of Christ. I’m not the type to paste on a smile and pretend all is well when it is not. In fact, Scripture is replete with people crying out to God in the midst of their difficulties. As I’ve pondered these very real characters from the past, I’ve wondered how often human nature leads us to feel that whatever we are going through is beyond anyone else’s understanding, that even though we acknowledge that others have suffered and struggled, somehow our struggles are “different,” and others couldn’t possibly understand. I wonder how many of those people recorded in the Bible felt the weight and heaviness of what was going on in and around them and felt that it was just too much to bear, that it wasn’t possible to go on?
As an Adventist I somehow viewed these dark and difficult times as a problem to be solved, something that was “wrong” that needed to be “fixed.” While I wouldn’t advocate wallowing, I’ve gained a new appreciation over the years for not pushing pain and difficulty aside with the goal of eliminating it because it is somehow problematic. I’ve learned that pain and difficulty can be instructive and even productive, although these benefits are difficult if not impossible to see in the middle of the storm.
I’m learning that sometimes the only way “out” is “through,” and while at times the crisis can seem unnecessarily painful in the moment, I can with honesty say that the decision to persevere through the trial has ALWAYS made sense on the other side.
I think that this experience of trusting through challenges is why, even now, I can keep hoping today. Right now I feel angry and sad at the world and even at my life’s circumstances, but while I can allow those feelings to come, I also know and remember who the Lord Jesus has proven Himself to be.
As I sat thinking about what to write for this blog—even considering a possible “rage piece” after feeling righteous anger at the ways I have seen the lingering effects of Adventism and cultic groups working themselves out in the lives of people I care about—a Bible verse came to my mind. In fact, over the years this verse has often been the only thing that comes to my mind in moments of intense pain and uncertainty.
It’s interesting to me, as someone who has been devouring particularly the New Testament since leaving Adventism, that these words come from 2 Chronicles 20:12. In fact, I had to do an internet search to find the reference, and I found that several people have written about this brief verse in the last months.
I feels to me, though, like this verse has a different layer of significance to those of use who are “recovering” from Adventism than it might to people who are life-long Christians, whether we are digging out from the initial layers of false doctrine, or whether we have moved into the deeper, painful layers of distorted worldview, trauma, and even abuse that hides under the whitewashed face of Adventism. When a former Adventist hits these layers of trauma and abuse in the middle of a world careening in uncertainty, the cumulative effect is terrifying. Leaving Adventism and digging through the deeper layers is difficult enough in a relatively stable world; but now, more than ever, many of us feel like the rug has been ripped out from underneath us.
Feelings of overwhelm and utter confusion and uncertainty can hit at any time, and as I have worked through the changes involved in shedding my “inner Adventism” while navigating a destabilizing world, I have noticed that this verse often comes to mind when nothing else will:
“…For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you” (2 Chron. 20:12).
I have lost count of the times in the past weeks where I have been left without words, but the cry in my heart has been this verse. I can easily feel that I, individually, am the most destitute and abandoned soul the world has ever known, but as the Lord has proven to me again and again, HE is doing a mighty work.
It seems that we are surrounded on all sides by hordes coming against us, and WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. But I do know this: we can fix our eyes on Jesus. It feels sometimes that responding to epic danger by fixing our eyes on the Lord makes no sense, but I know absolutely that trusting Him is the only and best way out. He will lead us THROUGH.
Now can someone text this to me tomorrow to remind me? †
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