KELSIE PETERSEN | Contributor and a Boy-Mom
I have a recurring dream that seems to come around when my waking hours seem overpacked and I feel like I’m going to drop a ball (or two or three). It can take place in just about any setting, but the theme is the same. I’m somewhere unfamiliar, usually in a hotel; the time to leave is rapidly approaching, and somehow, through my time in the space, our possessions have either multiplied or expanded beyond what we have ability to pack out. The room is cluttered and chaotic, suitcases are overflowing. Sometimes I’m shoving plastic totes under hotel beds while trying to make dream-hazed mental plans to come back for them, even though it would require cross-country flights to do so. Sometimes I’m cramming handfuls of Lego or other kid-clutter into side pockets and tote bags, dreading the unpacking process at home. The feeling, though, is always the same: There’s not “enough.” There’s not enough time; there’s not enough space,;there’s not enough of me to go around. The feeling of impending doom sinks over me, and while I can’t quit, it seems futile to continue.
When I awaken, it often takes me a while to work through the leftover thoughts and feelings, all the while facing the real-life overwhelm that my brain must have been trying to process while I was asleep. The feelings I had while dreaming recycle and amplify in the light of day and, while I can’t quit, it seems futile to continue.
“Not Enough” In Adventism
This feeling of “not enough” is something that has been with me, in one way or another, for a long time. As I continue to pick out the splinters of Adventist teaching and indoctrination, I sometimes stumble upon things like this that are showing up in ways that, while not directly related to spirituality or my relationship with God, impact my life and how I see the world. As I’ve thought about this concept and traced it back through my life and memories, it does seems to be connected.
Many things about Adventism I knew—but if I had been pressed, I wouldn’t have necessarily been able to say HOW I knew. Like a child who looks up at the sky and sees blue, he does not know how it is blue, it just IS. As I grew older and went through SDA University, training to be an SDA teacher, I gained more understanding of how Adventist belief works, and internalized much more of the rationale and support for the beliefs. The truth is, however, that due to the sheer volume of the writings of Ellen White and the intricacies of the unique doctrines, committing the nitty gritty to heart is often not something I had the ability to do with my time. I would often comfort myself by saying “I don’t exactly know how to explain it off the top of my head, but I would be able to go and find the answer if I needed.”
One of the concepts of which I had a clear understanding in Adventism but for which I had no real support committed to memory, was the idea that we do what we believe to be our best, and IF Jesus looks on us and determines that we have, indeed, done our best, then He will make up the difference.
One of the concepts of which I had a clear understanding in Adventism but for which I had no real support committed to memory, was the idea that we do what we believe to be our best, and IF Jesus looks on us and determines that we have, indeed, done our best, then He will make up the difference. Over my years of interacting with Adventists and former Adventists, it has been interesting to note, when this topic comes up, that Adventists often deny that this is what is taught in the church, or that this is how they view it, while former Adventists will kind of “light up,” and exclaim that it is exactly how they were taught and that, often, they had the understanding of the concept, but not the words to match.
As I was thinking about my feelings of lack of being “enough,” I decided to search the Ellen White estate to see if I could find where this idea comes from. One of my results was a sermon posted to the site from “SOP Day 2010”, entitled “Complete in Christ.” While the very notion of a day of worship dedicated to Ellen White is strange, at best, for an organization that very much wants the Christian world to view them as “just another” denomination, the contents of the sermon became quite telling.
The final point was titled “Doing Our Best,” and I read with interest. The author started his thought by stating, “This is not a matter of ‘supplemental righteousness,’ in which we provide some righteousness and God adds what we lack. No, it is Jesus’ righteousness from start to finish.” About half way through the section, however, I found the quotes from Ellen White that I must have heard many times while growing up Adventist. While the specific words don’t sound familiar, I can tell you that I internalized their meaning quite deeply.
“When it is in the heart to obey God, when efforts are put forth to this end, Jesus accepts this disposition and effort as man’s best service, and He makes up for the deficiency with His own divine merit” (Selected Messages, book 1, p. 382).
“Christ looks at the spirit, and when He sees us carrying our burden with faith, His perfect holiness atones for our shortcomings. When we do our best,He becomes our righteousness” (Ibid., p. 368, emphasis added).
I think at some points in time, it has been said in the Christian world, “Do your best and let Jesus do the rest.” While I don’t advocate for half-hearted, lackluster outworking of our faith from the new heart we are given when we are born again, this idea sometimes can be painted in a way that presents the idea that we go first, and then Jesus comes in and finishes the job.
Scripture is clear. Without His moving first, we can’t even love Him (1 John 4:19). The problem, for me, came from the fusion of the Investigative Judgement with this idea of our effort, mixed in with the sentiment expressed in the above quotes. The conclusion is, then, that “I do what I think is my best, and then Jesus will look at it, and if he decides that it is ACTUALLY my best, then He might make up the difference.”
Whew. Just typing that is exhausting.
The clear teaching in Adventism of man’s effort, and the necessity of it, in order for Christ to “make up the difference,” combined with the implications of the Investigative Judgement naturally create a sense of lack. “What if I’m not doing enough?”
The Legacy
My grandparents on my mom’s side became Adventist in the 1950’s. While deeply devoted to their faith, my grandfather struggled all his life with knowing if he’d done “enough,” if he’d been faithful “enough.” In one of my mom’s last conversations with her dad, at 97 years old, he expressed concern, a wondering if he’d been faithful “enough” in his giving, if he’d demonstrated “enough” faith, and if his efforts would be “enough.” I also remember having these feelings connected to my spiritual walk as I struggled to live life in the midst of true Christian believers in the Christian school I went to as a teen. I heard my friends and teachers talking about spending time with God in the morning, about “doing devotions” and other disciplines. In Adventism, the emphasis was more on studying your Sabbath School lesson, so I just transferred the pressure and guilt from Sabbath School lesson over to personal devotions and prayer. I never felt like what I was DOING was “enough.” I guess I could also say I worried that I WASN’T enough.
Understanding the gospel—the finished and complete work of Jesus on the cross and in the resurrection—changed everything for me. While it took me a few years to truly understand how Adventism twisted those things, even my initial understanding that conversion/being born again was not an “in and out,” “back and forth” thing gave me great confidence in Jesus and lessened my worry about my own “contribution” to the equation.
In my nearly 20 years out of Adventism, I haven’t encountered a repeated “giving your heart to Jesus,” or even re-baptism (or re-re-baptism, or even re-re-re-baptism) the way I did in Adventism. The beauty and hope of saving faith is that, while a born-gain believer with a new heart and the Holy Spirit living inside of them may stumble and fall and still continues to grapple with their sin nature, it is no longer something that binds them, that determines their destiny.
I love how Romans 6 tells us that, as a person who has “died with Christ,” we now “present ourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and (our) members to God as instruments for righteousness” (v 14). The chapter goes on to describe how sin has “no dominion” over the believer, and how, rather than being slaves to sin, as we once were, we are now “slaves” to righteousness. Verse 18 says we have been “set free from sin.”
In context, this doesn’t mean that we are free OF sin; rather, it speaks in reference of that to which we were once slaves, bound to, and compelled by its power. It further states that we are now “slaves of righteousness”; that is, we are now bound to and compelled by the power of righteousness rather than to sin. Rather than constantly worrying over every mistake and misdeed, I can now live out of love and gratitude for what has been accomplished on the cross in my place instead of in uncertainty and insecurity, wondering if I had actually tried my best, and if Jesus would see it as my best.
Still Discovering
This winter will mark 20 years since we left Adventism. It sounds like a long time, but it feels like a moment. In that time, I’ve shed the direct false teachings of Adventism, but the Lord continues to show me the ways that 25 years of world-view indoctrination impacted me beyond just the acceptance of the fundamental beliefs. This concept of “enough,” I’ve realized, has morphed from a lens of not BEING or DOING enough, to not HAVING enough.
I’m not much for material possessions; I’m not a shopper or one who buys things just because “I saw it and I liked it.” I hate few things more than shopping for clothes, and the times when I’m finally forced to go and buy the many items I’m in need of, it’s not unusual for me to approach the cashier with 10 items but only leave the store with two. The things I tend to worry about lacking are more practical in nature: food, tools or other useful items—but above all, as evidenced by my recurring dream: time.
Feeling like I lack time is a struggle because it is less tangible than a full pantry or tool box. I struggle with worrying that the things required of me will take more time than there is to do them, and that my limitations will not be accepted by others. But, I’m learning that, just as Jesus is sufficient for my being and my doing, He is sufficient for my time. He is outside of time, and I can submit to His sufficiency in this way, just the same as I submit to His sufficiency in who I am and what I do.
Each of us who leaves Adventism will have our own unique process of working through the false beliefs and teachings of Adventism and the ways those beliefs—and the Adventist worldview—impact how we see the world around us now. Perhaps your struggle is not with the concept of “enough” as it pertains to time, but it is just as real. Whatever you struggle with, no matter how seemingly unrelated it may be, He is sufficient.
Last night, I had the opportunity to pray for one of my sons who was struggling with something that was keeping him from sleep. One of my favorite Scriptures to share with my kids is Philippians 4:5b-7. I memorized it when I was young, and it has been close to my heart ever since. It reminds me that He is near me, and He will provide what I need when I worry that there isn’t “enough.” I pray that as you discover all the ways, big and small, that Christ is sufficient for you, that you will keep these words close, as well.
The Lord is at hand (near); do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication (asking), with thanksgiving, let y our requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding (makes no logical sense) will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” (ESV, emphasis and amplification mine)
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