Into Adventism, Out of Adventism

BY “A DAUGHTER OF THE KING” |

Introduction 

 This story is a deeply personal and intimate reflection of my past: of the spiritual aspects of my childhood, what I think led me to the Seventh-day Adventist organization in the first place, why I stayed there for many years, what led me to discover their errors, and how painful and difficult it was to come out of that system, indefinitely. Perhaps I’ve written this story first of all to myself; to make sense of the past and to reflect on it. I hope my story will give insight as to what kinds of psychological reasons there might be that draw people into Adventism in their adult years. 

The Beginnings

I grew up in an at least nominally Evangelical Lutheran household and was baptized as an infant. My mother had found faith in her late teens and went to a Bible school for six months after that. When I was a small child, my father answered an altar call during a city mission meeting and supposedly came to faith.

My childhood home wasn’t a healthy environment to grow up in. My father was physically and emotionally abusive, and both of my parents had serious mental health issues. There weren’t any diagnoses, though, and I never understood as a child that things aren’t fine. 

Even though at least my mother claimed to be a Christian, my childhood home wasn’t a healthy place to grow up spiritually, either. My parents never went to church together, read the Bible, nor prayed.

There was charismatic flavor to my mother’s faith which extended to my spiritual education from a young age. Signs and miraculous healings were something she sought. Probably because of her chronic physical illness and the disability of her other child, my sister, she went to faith healers. I, too, was taken to church meetings where a famous charismatic faith healer was knocking people over with the power of God, supposedly. Powerful authorities of faith were important.

I was also terrified of Satan. The way death was explained to me as a child was some kind of soul sleep. 

My mother was somewhat keen to prophecies, too, in a sense of trusting people who were saying they’re foreseeing future incidents. I was taught about Revelation and the end-times. Satan and Jesus apparently had some huge battle going on Earth over peoples’ souls, and, for example, bad dreams were often attributed to Satan. The parable of the ten foolish bridesmaids was particularly scary to me. I was also terrified of Satan. The way death was explained to me as a child was some kind of soul sleep. 

My understanding of the Revelation would take the form of God sending an enormous deception in the end so that the people of faith, too, would become lost because He doesn’t really want anyone to get saved. Therefore, I could never be sure that I’d be saved. The eschatological and end-time teachings, especially, and the teachings of death caused me anxiety and nightmares.

My mother also had strict opinions about foods. For example, she never ate pork and taught me as well that pork is filthy, saying it is forbidden in the Bible. Alcohol was strictly forbidden, and we didn’t drink coffee, either. Eating and being healthy was very important, and it was closely related to the importance of keeping a certain figure—thin and small.

A relative of my mother was into the New Age. She, for example, practiced Reiki and homeopathy and other forms of alternative medicine, used Feng Shui and read New Age books. Mother, too, used homeopathy, and I thought it was a legitimate form of medicine. As a teenager I was interested in the New Age and occult: astrology, chiromancy, spiritism, witchcraft. For a brief period of time during my occult obsession, although it was scary, I had a fascination with the book of Revelation and was trying to make sense of its imagery and symbolism.

By that time, I intellectually knew the basics of Christianity, but my view of God was seriously distorted. To me, He represented an angry, unpredictable, vengeful, violent, cosmic monster-like being whom I’d have to obey and please with my good works all the time, and with all my might to ever be worthy of even some love or care. I was convinced He’d punish me for every mistake and wrong-doing. Also, the Bible had never been read in my childhood home, so I had never learned to read it, although I knew many of its stories. To me, the Bible only seemed to contain judgment and anger. Still, I wanted to know God, and I considered myself to be some sort of a believer—at least I very much wanted and tried to be. On the other hand, I often felt anxious and suffocated by religious things.

Despair

At nineteen I moved to a big city and began my studies at the university. I felt free for the first time in my life; I felt my own life was finally beginning. It didn’t take long, though, before my experiences at my childhood home began to weigh heavily on my psyche. Now, thinking back, I had had signs of clinical depression since I was fifteen or sixteen years old, but during my first year in the university, my mental health got gradually worse. This manifested as severely disordered eating. 

…I cried my heart out to God and asked forgiveness for spending years thinking I’m better off without Him. Things began to change.

A year or two later, when I was visiting my childhood home, my mother came to tell me she had plans to kill herself because of my father. A few days later, things escalated, and I had to help my mother and sister flee to a women’s refuge, away from my father. I was supposed to continue my studies, but I was totally worn out mentally and in severe condition physically. I had to break off my studies for some time and was referred to therapy. In one of those days of depression and anxiety, I cried my heart out to God and asked forgiveness for spending years thinking I’m better off without Him. Things began to change.

Enter Adventism

Soon after I heard there was a city mission coming, and my mother suggested I’d see a Christian woman who’s also a psychologist who was doing a prayer service there. We met and started seeing each other quite regularly; I talked about my past experiences, and she prayed for me. Very soon she told me she was a Seventh-day Adventist. I had been taught as a child that the Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses are evil and to be avoided, but the Seventh-day Adventist church? I had never heard of such a denomination. She told me it was a Christian church with one difference: they meet on the Sabbath, on Saturday, because it’s the original day of worship set by God. She invited me to their church meetings. 

Adventists welcomed me with open arms, and I began attending regularly. There were lots of good things there: I felt a sense of belonging and of having my own community. I made friends there, and felt I was experiencing God’s love for the first time, through these people. 

I was told the Adventists value education and independent thinking, and their mission is to proclaim Jesus’ second coming, which they eagerly wait for.

I was told the Adventists value education and independent thinking, and their mission is to proclaim Jesus’ second coming, which they eagerly wait for. In fact, the second coming is where they get their name. At first it felt a bit weird to start calling Saturday “the Sabbath”, but their Sabbath services made a positive impact on me. In the Evangelical Lutheran church masses, there’s a certain liturgy, but the Adventist church didn’t seem so rigid. Instead of having only a relatively short sermon, like in a mass, there was even a Bible study before the service where everybody had their own booklets. I had never been to a Bible study before, and it was fascinating how people knew the Bible so well and quoted verses from it, and the study was very informative. I was loaned a big stack of those study booklets to learn about Seventh-day Adventism and the Bible. I was also given a book to read: The Great Controversy by one Ellen G. White.

Around this time, I had also started occasionally attending some Christian student and young adults’ meetings, organized weekly by different independent evangelical organizations within the Evangelical Lutheran church. The meetings organized by the evangelical organizations gathered quite a large attendance of students, and it was common to see people from different denominations attending. But never did you see any young adults from the Adventist church attending. Also, the Adventist church didn’t even organize meetings for students—a fact which seemed odd to me as the city I was living in was known for its large student population. There seemed to be a strong sense of seclusion in the Adventist church. They only kept a company of their own, which seemed odd, especially because I valued ecumenism in the sense of Christians from different denominations coming together. I brushed it off, though, rationalizing that their church building was a bit further away, and they were just not good at marketing their events.

Then there was the Sabbath. I was told very early on that the correct day of worship had been changed by the Roman Catholic church. All in all, the Roman Catholic church was seen as some sort of evil and was totally demonized—an attitude which I didn’t understand. Why was it that bad that some denomination began to worship on the day when Jesus had resurrected? However, I bought the whole Sabbath message because it was so convincingly argued as being biblically correct, instituted at Creation. I believed that Christians were supposed to worship on Saturdays.

Early on I also noticed there were lots of rules centered around the Sabbath, and some people even seemed somewhat compulsory with their attitudes towards it, although the Sabbath also seemed to be a very special and highly valued day for most. Countless times along the years I heard it said over and over again how “The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath,” which to those saying it seemed to mean that the Sabbath has to be a joyful day. I reasoned I have to learn to obey the rules attached to it in order to find the joy these Adventists clearly are having.

“Being healthy” had been highly valued in my childhood home, but to me it had always seemed to be all about restricting oneself in regards to food and eating…

I was being told that “many Adventists are vegetarians” because apparently God wants people to be healthy. Many argued with the Bible, saying that the God-intended diet for mankind is plant-based. They talked about studies proving that meat eating isn’t healthy. “Being healthy” had been highly valued in my childhood home, but to me it had always seemed to be all about restricting oneself in regards to food and eating, so now I had somewhat mixed feelings. At that time, I was in counseling and met regularly with a nutritional therapist who specialized in eating disorders. I was doing much better but still had work to do. However, I didn’t think it would hinder my process of recovery to continue spending time in these circles where the kind of restrictive patterns I was working on to get rid of were being valued. Now, though, the only difference was that the restriction was done in the name of religion.

Ellen White, with her great controversy, investigative judgment, and the third angel’s message, became familiar to me, as well. I can’t remember how much those were being taught from the pulpit, but there were certain people who were very into White and these concepts. Ellen White seemed to be vaguely hovering over many of the church’s teachings. The investigative judgment seemed silly, but the great controversy to me sounded like the same teaching about some great war between Jesus and Satan I had heard as a child, now told only in more theological terms. It seemed plausible, and it was familiar.

Protestants Are Not “Believers”

 What I do remember being taught very clearly and early was that other denominations are evil; they were filled with priests working for money, not ministry—not only in the Evangelical Lutheran church but in every other denomination as well. I learned that there were no true believers in other churches. Furthermore, the Roman Catholic church was considered to be exceptionally bad— worse than all others. Adventists, however, were the ones with the correct information, and they were the “remnant church”. There was a strong sense of “us” and “them”, with the Adventists being superior to others. 

Also, they seemed to take pride in not having a creed. I had thought every Christian church uses a creed, either the Apostles’ Creed or perhaps the Nicene Creed, and I felt so ashamed of my Evangelical Lutheran church background for the Apostles’ Creed, which I knew by heart. Never before had I known or even thought there’s something inherently wrong about having a creed, until then. 

People seemed to be keeping an eye on each other over appearances, and soon I began to monitor what I wore…

A couple of years later I graduated, moved to another city, and began attending the local Seventh-day Adventist church. It was bigger and seemed more vibrant than the one I left, but very soon I encountered all the same things that had bothered me earlier, like a strong hatred towards the Roman Catholic church, a sense of superiority and legalistic, judgmental attitudes. People seemed to be keeping an eye on each other over appearances, and soon I began to monitor what I wore and was very self-conscious and afraid of wearing “too much” jewelry before going to the church on Sabbath or to any other church meeting.

Also, just like in the previous church I had gone to, everybody seemed to be relatives of each other, which I found somewhat comical. However, I also sensed strongly that because I didn’t have this strong Adventist heritage and wasn’t related to anyone there—nor to any Adventist for that matter—and because I was coming totally from the “outside”, I wasn’t being ranked very high. Here, too, it seemed that doctors were valued highly, and I didn’t even have that advantage. 

Ellen White’s importance to the Adventist church finally began to dawn on me when there was a sermon where her teachings were the main focus, and Jesus was hardly even mentioned. I was shocked. In the course of time the church culture began to feel more and more like a prison—suffocating, close-minded, without joy. By that time, I was doing well mentally; I had finished therapy and was free from an eating disorder, but I felt I would be putting myself back in a cage if I continued to go to this church, not only eating-wise but all in all. I felt that if this is what Christianity is all about, then it’s not for me, as I don’t seem to understand it. It’s too difficult, and there’s probably no point even trying. My church visits became more seldom. 

During one pastoral meeting into which this particular evangelist had manipulated his way, he acted inappropriately towards me.

A crisis in my personal life brought me back to the church. Of course, nothing had changed. Still, I was thinking I needed to get my problems with the church sorted out and started seeing their pastor for pastoral counseling. This time what made me leave permanently was an incident with an old lay evangelist, a liked and respected member of the denomination who frequently visited that particular church. During one pastoral meeting into which this particular evangelist had manipulated his way, he acted inappropriately towards me. I kept things to myself and distanced myself from the church completely. I didn’t attend any other denomination, however, as I believed there were no true churches besides the Seventh-day Adventist church. I lived several years without God but still often felt guilty on Saturdays for knowing it’s a special day on which I shouldn’t be working, spending money, or running my own errands. 

Old wounds heal

In the end of 2021, I experienced something which I can only describe as a miracle: God healed my relationship with Him in a way that for the first time ever in my life I didn’t equate God with my earthly father; now they were finally separate. And for the first time ever, I felt deeply loved by Him. What was just as amazing was that I felt a deep, inner desire—a need to start reading the Bible, to pray, and to go to the church to learn about God and to be in His presence together with His people.

And for the first time ever, I felt deeply loved by [God]. What was just as amazing was that I felt a deep, inner desire—a need to start reading the Bible, to pray, and to go to the church…

Perhaps unsurprisingly, my initial thought soon after my experience was to go back to the Seventh-day Adventist church. Surely it must be the will of God that, now that I had truly found Him, I should finally get baptized in the Adventist church, become an official member, and find my church family there. Why else would He have introduced me to Adventism and placed Adventists in my life over a decade before? Surely this was the way He’d been leading me all along—wasn’t it? 

There was only one problem: I didn’t feel safe going back. I was terrified of even the thought of seeing that man there. I had never disclosed to their pastors what had happened years ago, and I decided I would do that. Surely it would be dealt with, and I’d feel safe coming back to the church. 

The two pastors listened to me, and though many excuses were made for this man’s behavior, they agreed they needed to deal with this matter. I was left to wait for them to proceed in the process. While I kept waiting, I began to feel the need to dive into Adventist theology—I had a conviction that, if I were going to become an official member, I wanted to be able to give reasons to anybody who might ask why I keep the Sabbath and follow other Adventist practices. I wanted to know what I was supposed to believe and embrace as a member. 

Questions arising 

I decided to begin with the Sabbath, as it had seemed to be the most important and valued thing in the church, and of course, it was the most obvious factor separating us from all other denominations. I took it as my mission to figure things out myself by praying and reading what the Bible says about the Sabbath and to learn whether or not the Adventist proof-texts for the Sabbath hold up under scrutiny. I also wanted to read other sources for and against the Sabbath. Furthermore, I told my Adventist friend who’d first introduced me to the church that I was now regularly practicing correct Sabbath-keeping.

I decided to begin with the Sabbath, as it had seemed to be the most important and valued thing in the church, and of course, it was the most obvious factor separating us from all other denominations.

What was puzzling to me regarding the Sabbath was that I remembered hearing about the concepts of the Old and the New Covenant in the Evangelical Lutheran church way back in time. So, what was that about? Were the Lutherans simply wrong? I didn’t know what those concepts meant, but I had some vague understanding that the Old Testament laws don’t bind Christians. After all, no other Christians act like Jews, placing such importance on the Sabbath or not eating certain foods. How was it possible that every other denomination and all the research in theology and academics of hundreds and hundreds of years, could be so wrong?

Around this time, I heard about a local Adventist home church for young adults, and in hopes of finding my church home there, I visited one Saturday. I had had this thought of fresh, progressive Adventism being found amongst younger Adventists and was shocked to hear some people referencing Ellen White with their arguments. 

Why do even these people talk about her? What’s so special about her?

I couldn’t understand. I was also keen to find answers about the Sabbath still being binding for Christians and was eagerly asking for clarification about these covenantal issues that confused me. To my surprise, the people I asked weren’t able to give me straight answers.

When discussing how to correctly keep the Sabbath, I was told that I’m not allowed to buy myself an ice cream, but if my husband buys it for me, I can take it and eat it. So, either he buys me one with his own money or money from our joint account, or I sit and watch him eat. I couldn’t believe the hypocrisy I was hearing; I couldn’t believe God would be like that, not allowing His people to enjoy simple things, regardless of the day. Or is it just me who doesn’t understand?

One night I was browsing the internet when doing my research about the Sabbath and stumbled upon some former Adventist blog post. I dismissed it very quickly as just some envious slander. Not long after that, I found a Former Adventist Fellowship conference video on YouTube about the Sabbath. I closed it immediately and again dismissed it as malicious slander towards Adventists. I felt it was criticizing God, and that’s not allowed.

At that time, I was also meeting regularly with the other pastor to talk about the Adventist faith and to get answers to my questions regarding it. My intention was to get everything sorted out and to have my questions answered so I could proceed with my baptism into the church when the time was right.

Finding the Fundamentals 

I can’t remember for sure, but it’s highly likely that not until that time did I become aware of the 28 Fundamental Beliefs the Seventh-day Adventist organization, and I learned of them when the pastor mentioned them. He, though, didn’t seem to be placing much importance on them, saying that back in the days it was customary to get a confirmation for every single point before immersion in the water for baptism, but that today complete affirmation is not required anymore. 

After this particular conversation I went home and read the beliefs. Most of them sounded correct, although there were some more problematic issues in them. The pastor, though, was very reassuring, easing my mind whenever I brought up any concerns or issues. Still, there were issues I couldn’t brush aside that easily.

One was the investigative judgment. It had always sounded totally weird and outright silly to me. It was obvious that it had been nothing but a face-saving operation for the Millerites/early Adventists.

One was the investigative judgment. It had always sounded totally weird and outright silly to me. It was obvious that it had been nothing but a face-saving operation for the Millerites/early Adventists. It sounded more like science fiction than anything Biblical. I remember thinking, “God has a lot to do in order to get me to believe in the investigative judgment!”. 

Of course, I knew and wholeheartedly believed God can do miracles because I had already experienced His intervention in my own life, but I still had this initial thought that the investigative judgment isn’t a Biblical concept at all. If it truly was in the Bible, I was sure I would have been taught about it. Not even the Evangelical Lutheran church can be that wrong, can they? And besides, the Seventh-day Adventists say they, too, are Christians, so those two can’t be that different doctrinally—can they? 

Another issue for me was Revelation. I abhorred it, and now I abhorred the book of Daniel, too, after I learned in the Seventh-day Adventist church that Daniel, too, is a prophetic book. I had been so severely traumatized by eschatological and end-time teachings in my childhood that hearing anything even hinting of those was a nightmare. So how could I become rooted in this church in which eschatology is placed on such a high level? Couldn’t they just focus more on Jesus? 

I even pondered a thought of being an openly progressive Adventist, as I had heard from the pastor that there are so-called progressive Adventists, too, in the church. After all, wouldn’t it be possible to get rid of the overtly weird and concentrate on the good? Maybe what’s needed is only a fresh, new perspective.

Coming Out of the Adventist Cage 

Sometime later I casually decided to see whether or not there are podcasts about Seventh-day Adventism from a critical perspective. That was when I found the Former Adventist Podcast and was shocked by what I was hearing. Slowly, cracks began to form on the Adventist surface, though for a long time I was still trying to keep it all together and dismiss everything that was in any way questioning Adventism as slander and misinformation. Yet, as the evidence against Adventism’s teachings only seemed to be accumulating, I couldn’t brush it off anymore. I had thought the only real problems were in the close-minded church culture—in the people, not in the teachings. And besides, I had been told there that every church family has its problems as people are faulty. 

A big question to me were also the Adventists I knew—all of them were intelligent people, well-educated in theology, medicine, and psychology. Hadn’t they noticed anything odd about their church’s teachings?

A big question to me were also the Adventists I knew—all of them were intelligent people, well-educated in theology, medicine, and psychology. Hadn’t they noticed anything odd about their church’s teachings? Have they read their church’s history? If they haven’t, why not? And if they have and know all the same things I’m currently learning about, how’s it possible they are still fine with it and have stayed in the church? They certainly have the brains to discern these things—haven’t they actually investigated the details?  Or is it possible that they’ve been so indoctrinated they can’t see?

I slowly started deconstructing. But only then did I realize what a tight hold the Seventh-day Adventist church had on me and how deeply its teachings had been instilled in me—without my even being aware of it. I was in a very distressing position: I couldn’t shake off the things I’d learned about Adventism anymore, but what if the Adventists were right after all, and all those sources I’d been reading and listening to were wrong? 

Now I knew about the Sabbath, and if I refused to keep it, I would be amongst those receiving the mark of the beast. And didn’t Ellen White even prophecy that there will be a great shaking during which those who were never really part of the Seventh-day Adventist church will leave? 

I was never a “good Adventist”, having issues with the investigative judgment and other doctrines, so surely, I would be one of those leaving first? And how dare I even question her authority! I’m speaking against God, am I not?  

One evening I cried my heart out, feeling such overwhelming anxiety it’s hard to even put into words. At that moment I wished I had never, ever even heard about the Seventh-day Adventist church’s existence. I didn’t want this burden of having to choose whether or not they’re doctrinally safe and sound. I didn’t want these fears, this anxiety. Why couldn’t I just let this go? And how would I resolve this Sabbath question? Should I find some other Sabbath-keeping denomination which is just not Adventist? 

I couldn’t let go of the Sabbath; I need to keep it just in case. Perhaps I could go back to the Evangelical Lutheran church and go to the mass on Sundays but personally keep the Sabbath.

I was even praying to God that if I was doing something wrong, against His will, if I was going against Him in reading material against His true church, that He’d show me I’m being wrong and would lead me back to Adventism and show me that all the critical sources have been wrong. 

I also kept praying that if I were going against God’s man in trying to get the Seventh-day Adventist church to fully respond to the abuse that had happened to me there, that He would show me that, too. If I were just being vindictive and revengeful, I prayed that I would not mind happily going back to the church, and that He would lead me back. 

It’s ironic that in my youth I had been fascinated by cults and what made people join them. When I had heard about Adventism, I had been wary about not joining some sort of a cult, but I didn’t find any identifying marks of a cult there, so my mind had been at ease. That same evening when I was crying in my anxiety, I had a thought: “I wonder if this is what it’s like when leaving a cult?” 

And then it hit me: “I am leaving a cult!” With everything I had read and heard in the previous months running around my head, I had a sudden, clear thought: Stay in the truth. And then I remembered that Jesus had said: “I am the way, and the truth, and the life” (Jn 14:6a.) 

Suddenly everything seemed so simple. Jesus is all I need, and all that I need to know about Him is in the Bible! I don’t need Ellen White! So, I kept reading the Bible.

By this time, I was already fully convinced the Seventh-day Adventist organization is a clever, spiritual deception, only mimicking mainstream Christianity.

I kept digging deeper and deeper into the history of Adventism. I realized I had been totally wrong and even unaware about many of their core concepts. I had been able to pinpoint many issues that had bothered me, but I had had no idea where they came from in the first place—I had only scratched the surface, I had had no idea about the history and underlying worldview. Also, I couldn’t help but notice very problematic things in many of White’s visions, leading me to wonder what exactly was the source of them, and what was the guiding force behind the early organization?

The more I read about the history of Adventism, the more I came to realize that Ellen White is the thing holding it all together. The whole issue is: was she a prophet appointed by God, or was she not? The focus of my studies came clearer. I began reading contemporary documents, articles, and other material about Ellen White and the history of Adventism. The more I read, the clearer I saw the truth forming in front of me: she was not having visions from God. She was not a prophet of God. 

At first it was very scary to even begin to have thoughts like this, but I couldn’t brush off things like how very conveniently her visions came, how she contradicted the Bible and herself numerous times and saw visions about other people’s sins, mostly of those who had criticized her, how she had plagiarized content in her books claiming they contained original visions from God—not to even mention the failed prophecies and totally unbiblical visions of planets, universes, and what not. 

I realized the repercussions of my findings: the Seventh-day Adventist church stands on clay feet, those feet being their valued prophet. But if she’s not a true prophet, the whole structure collapses. Like a house of cards or Dominoes, they fall one by one: the investigative judgment goes, the great controversy goes, the health message goes, the Sabbath goes… until there’s nothing left of the church. Actually, it cannot even be called a church in the first place. 

Finally, the incident which had happened was dealt with very poorly. More than one and a half years later after initially bringing up the incident, I called the head of the organization of my country, wanting to know why they had made me wait for so long and how things were progressing. During that phone call it clearly dawned on me by everything that was said to me: they never cared about me. The whole time they had protected the perpetrator and diminished my experience and the emotional distress the incident had caused me for years.

By this time, I was already fully convinced the Seventh-day Adventist organization is a clever, spiritual deception, only mimicking mainstream Christianity. I only wanted the organization to care in order to protect their own congregants at least. When I heard the gaslighting, the excuses, and their patronizing reactions to me and realized they weren’t going to care, I decided to put an end to this trauma. I had tried, not only for myself but for other people, to get the organization to deal justly with this man and with me—to no avail, so I cut my ties with the organization in that call. I finally felt I was completely free of their bondage. That was my final proclamation of freedom from slavery.

Reflection – Why?

When I started to look back to those years I spent in the Seventh-day Adventist organization, I came to think of it in relationship to my past. My childhood wasn’t spiritually safe and healthy, and it deeply traumatized me. Other kinds of abuse further traumatized me and damaged my mental health. I had gross misunderstandings about God; I didn’t read the Bible and had no community of believers. Spiritually almost everything I had learned was distorted. I wasn’t in a good place mentally at all when I was first introduced to the Seventh-day Adventist organization but was in deep need of a safe community. 

I think there are a couple of reasons contributing to my staying in the Seventh-day Adventist circles for so many years. First of all, as I didn’t read the Bible, it was very easy to convince me of their doctrines. Although I knew some basic concepts of Christianity, like salvation, I definitely didn’t understand many of them deeply enough, so I wasn’t equipped to challenge anything the Adventist organization taught. And after all, they said they’re Christian and they sounded Christian, so, surely, they must be Christian?

I can see now that my past traumas kept me there. It’s often been said that until one processes one’s trauma, a person is psychologically bound to repeat it.

Secondly, I can see now that my past traumas kept me there. It’s often been said that until one processes one’s trauma, a person is psychologically bound to repeat it. People used to dysfunctional dynamics keep placing themselves into situations reminding them of their initial dysfunctional relationships. This unconscious tendency is the normal human way people try to find resolution in their minds and hearts—but this repetitive dysfunction does not heal. 

During those couple of years when I went to therapy, I think I hardly mentioned my spiritual past. In fact, my early spiritual traumas were the least of my traumatic experiences, and I hardly even knew I had been spiritually abused, as well.

Eschatology, end-time teachings, and disordered, restrictive eating—those were the familiar things, the things I knew. Though I despised Revelation, I thought the Adventists were the only ones who had the keys to understanding it.

Already as a child my mother had taught me disordered ideas about food and eating; only later it became a full-blown eating disorder. Therefore, restricting was normal and familiar to me, and in the Seventh-day Adventist circles I heard people glorifying the kind of attitudes towards food that are actually distorted. Even though it probably didn’t outright hinder my process of getting well, I don’t think it did any good to be in the Seventh-day Adventist circles during the process. After all, I heard so much talk about healthy eating and the demonization of certain foods and food categories there, and every time there were food or snacks served after any meeting, they were always those certain kinds of snacks that conformed to Adventist ideals. In other words, someone else had already done the restricting for me, whether or not I wanted it. 

After all, nothing in itself is “healthy” or “unhealthy”. For example, while eating carrots is considered a healthful activity, eating only carrots isn’t healthful. Whether a diet is healthful or not depends upon the whole diet, not just upon the value of the individual foods. Adventism’s focus was on their judgment of each individual food. 

Only after I had completely healed, after having gotten to the very roots of my disordered eating and processed them, did I really see how unhealthy the Seventh-day Adventist organization is with regards to their attitudes towards foods.

Only after I had completely healed, after having gotten to the very roots of my disordered eating and processed them, did I really see how unhealthy the Seventh-day Adventist organization is with regards to their attitudes towards foods. I don’t think I ever saw in Adventism—even once—truly “healthy”, balanced eating. However, I did see lots and lots of people craving sweet desserts and cakes at weddings, get-togethers, and pot-lucks—a craving which is, of course, a sign of protein depletion. The Seventh-day Adventist organization definitely feeds, no pun intended, disordered attitudes towards eating. 

Now that I think back, perhaps it was my stubbornness that caused me to spend years on and off in the Seventh-day Adventist organization even though I often didn’t feel good there—eventually misinterpreting God’s will in my life: I felt driven to set wrongs right and to finally get baptized and become a member. Although it caused me much anxiety, I believe the incident that happened there was part of God’s plan. Otherwise, I would have run back head over heels and gotten baptized and become a member after He had healed my relationship with Him. God forced me to halt my membership process for a while and gave me the conviction to use my time learning about the Seventh-day Adventist doctrines.

As I immersed myself into Bible and biblical teachings during the time I waited for the Adventist organization to take action, I can now clearly see how I wasn’t deconstructing only from Adventism but also from the distorted spiritual teachings of my childhood. 

Already as a child I had been taught to obey, believe and fear authority—and of course, religious authority demonstrated the power of God. I think my initial reaction, my fear of going against God and His authority demonstrated in His prophet in even thinking of criticizing Ellen White, was a clear manifestation of that childhood ethos. I think some kind of pinnacle, or a spiritual coming-of-age, was when I could boldly and fearlessly acknowledge to myself that Ellen G. White was a false prophet whom I didn’t have to be afraid of. I had thought I had been totally free from the fear of authority but it had still been present in my life in the form of fear of spiritual authority. 

Now, reading the Bible and material by theologically good Bible teachers, it became clear that there are false teachings and teachers whom us followers of Christ have to be aware of and expose in order to protect the true gospel—it is totally fine and allowed, even necessary, to question and to expose false teachings! In this process, apologetics has become really important to me, and it’s very close to my heart.

Regarding Ellen White, my thinking has come full circle since hearing about her the first time. Initially it seemed to me she was a good Bible teacher and a hard-working writer of devotional books, leading people to Christ. Then it seemed she was a well-meaning but quite unintelligent brain-injury patient suffering hallucinations, used by a band of power-and-money-crazed men, until it began to look like she was a woman suppressed by Victorian society wanting to get power and status not otherwise available to her other than by religious means. Was she a cult leader, using God as her get-away-card by saying she saw this or that, all the while watching to see what kind of lies her deceived followers would swallow and how powerful she would get? 

Eventually, it began to look even more sinister: was she a spirit medium going into trances, like her famous contemporaries who were giving performances with their “channeler”? Now it’s clear to me that there were demonic forces behind her “accompanying angel” and her ministry.

Final thoughts

My journey out of Adventism hasn’t been easy, even though I was never fully “in” it in the sense that I wasn’t born into the organization, and in the end, I didn’t get baptized into it. Regardless, I’m amazed how God intervened and brought me back to light from the dark pit that is Adventism. Even though I sometimes think I’m not of much use to God because I still have lots of questions regarding the Bible and faith, and I sometimes question things and feel my faith is very weak, it brings me to tears and it makes me so humble to think that God wanted to bring me back from the wrong path I had been walking, from the path that wasn’t according to His will. My prayer today is that He has use for me and that He would lead me to wherever He needs me, even though I’m still a work in progress.  

Sometimes I still feel guilt and deep regret for those times I spoke well of the organization to other people, and I pray no one was led into deception by me.

There have been many difficult feelings including anxiety, fear, anger, and resentment. I’ve been angry at myself for being fooled and at the organization for fooling people. Sometimes I still feel guilt and deep regret for those times I spoke well of the organization to other people, and I pray no one was led into deception by me. Sometimes I still wish I could go back to one moment years ago when somebody was talking about her troubled eating in a small group, but instead of noticing anything unhealthy, other people present validated her, almost encouraging her as it was in line with their religion. I still regret that I didn’t have the courage to speak to her privately, even though I knew exactly the mental state she was in, as I had been there once, too. I regret giving my time, money, and efforts to the Seventh-day Adventist organization. And I deeply regret and feel shame for believing the lies I was told about other denominations. When I finally went to an Evangelical Lutheran mass again, I was in tears. There were wonderful, Jesus-loving, born again believers there, the Adventists had been totally wrong! 

In the end I’d like to take an analogy from the art world. It’s a known method of action for insincere art dealers not to sell you forged art from the get-go, as thorough and sufficient research done by experts would prove those to be fakes. (And, it’s never about the looks only, you have to dig deep into the said history of the work of art, as well.) Instead, they build trust. They sell you authenticated works of art at first. Only then, when you’ve built a relationship based on trust on your art dealer’s professional skills, will they start selling you forgeries every now and then. And if you don’t have even the basic knowledge of how to verify, you’re being sold what you believe you’re being sold. 

I don’t think it’s too far-fetched to extend this analogy to the Seventh-day Adventist organization. If they’d “sell” you heresies early on, you’d recognize those if you have at least some general knowledge of the Bible and how to read it. You wouldn’t trust anything else they say either and leave. Instead, you’re being bought in by genuine sounding and well-researched teachings without knowing there’s a whole workshop, a factory, producing and selling you forgery after forgery, behind these kind pastors and congregants who seem genuine Christians. But if you scratch the surface the signature bears EGW. I think that’s what the Seventh-day Adventist organization is: a clever fake. †