KELSIE PETERSEN
When I think back on my years as an Adventist, I realize that Adventism gave us a framework, a rule book. A box. There was an answer for everything; you just had to go find it in the church books! There was a rule for everything, whether specific or implied. Not sure what to do? Check the rules! One might not always like what one found, but at least a person could know—if they wanted to—what was expected. It seemed there was a prescription for most choices in life, especially through the overt and covert influence of Ellen White and her testimonies and other writings. Though I never read these for myself, as I have researched since leaving Adventism, I find that a vast majority of her ideas, themes, and principles worked their way into my mind and my worldview over the first 25 years of my life. While I admit straining against what sometimes felt like restrictive rules, there was a certain kind of comfort that came with them, as well. No matter the question, if I wanted the answer, I was CERTAIN it could be found in the church.
One of the first things I noticed upon leaving Adventism was the feeling of freedom: freedom from having to know or find all the right answers; freedom from always feeling the pressure to do the “perfect” thing; freedom from the scrutiny of the saints, and most importantly, freedom to eat bacon!
Of course, bacon is not the most important thing in life, although I have been accused of leaving Adventism so I could “party and eat bacon”, but overall, for most of my time out of Adventism, the feeling of freedom has been something I notice often.
Complications
Lately, though, as life gets more complicated (as it tends to with growing children and age and complexity of life), I find myself, in some ways, missing my “box.” Now, before you start throwing fiery darts or writing angry letters to the editor, let me explain.
I know I’m not alone in my knowing that life on earth can be “messy”. As a fallen human living in a fallen world, I experience difficulties, frustrations, and even anger and sadness—sometimes all on the same day! These past 16 months have been extra challenging the world over, and navigating the uncertain waters while being a homeschooling mom (on purpose, not by accident!), dealing with my own humanity and baggage, trying to maintain or keep afloat relationships through all of the upheaval, and just trying to keep up with dishes, laundry, and supper have proven overwhelming to me sometimes. Often, I find I just don’t know what to do.
In those moments, I miss my box. I miss knowing that there was an answer that someone else had already figured out for me. I miss the sense of security, even though I know that it was false security. And, if I’m honest, I miss that there was someone or something that I could “pass the buck” to, by pointing to the church and by my strong assertion that it was THE right church.
While following Christ is freeing and ultimately “easier” in that we know that He is sufficient for all of our needs, that He will never leave us nor forsake us, often life is not as black and white as our Adventist “box” led us to believe. There are many times when I just make the best decision that I can, knowing what I know in the moment, and trust it to Him. And, truthfully, that is MUCH more difficult than just hopping into my box. It takes trust. It takes courage, and it takes faith. All of these He supplies, but I am too quick to forget that.
Life as an Adventist was often predictable, and I find that my life as a Believer is far less so, a reality which is troubling for my Type A personality. When I’m tempted to miss my “box,” I am reminded that even when I am weak, He is strong; when I falter, He holds me. Life without my box feels vulnerable and frightening in those moments of faltering weakness, but I am learning to turn to Him, because while my box was comforting, He is far stronger, far more reliable, and much more faithful.
I keep a handwritten paper taped to my kitchen wall where I can see it often. It contains the paraphrased words of a dear friend to me in a time of need several years ago, reminding me to cling to Jesus, not to my box.
“Be more real than my fears, Jesus. Thank you that your promises WILL NOT FAIL. I accept the circumstances and acknowledge that YOU are in charge of protecting me and keeping your promises to me. YOU are faithful. YOU will not let me stumble and fall, and YOU will protect me.
‘Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus’ (Philippians 4:6,7).”
I have shared this note with many friends in need over the years, and as I find myself wishing for my box, for the prescriptive answers, I am reminded that my new freedom in Christ enables me to turn to Him and to trust Him to do what He said He will do, “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). †
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