While most of our correspondence addresses issues related to Adventism, sometimes we receive emails written by people with concerns that cross the lines of cultic identity. A few months ago we received such a letter, and because the concern has a somewhat “universal” quality, we are sharing it with you this week. Here is the email:
I have an urgent question. Can you direct me to an article explaining how a wife who is Christian should submit to a husband who is in a cult? In your case the cult was Adventism. This case, though, is different. My friend’s husband was a pastor and a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary (DTS), but he has joined the Hebrew Roots movement, and it’s so, so hard.
Although the details differ, this is not the first time I have encountered questions about how a Christian wife should navigate life with a spiritually compromised husband. These situations are painful and in many ways unclear to me, because I do not know all the details. Nevertheless, I share below my answer to this writer, knowing that details differ from person to person, but knowing also that the word of God cannot fail, and God is faithful.
Living with an unbelieving husband
I do not have an article such as the one you requested. This is such a difficult situation. It is especially hard because a course-reversal from evangelical pastor into Hebrew Roots suggests that the man may not have been a truly born again believer, although he may be a deceived believer. Galatians 4:8–11 explains that going from the gospel to the law is going into the “worthless elemental things” that are the essence of the world, not of God. The law was fulfilled in Jesus; going back to it is to turn away from the Lord Jesus and to embrace the shadow which was a tutor to lead us to Christ before He came and fulfilled the law. Embracing the law on this side of the cross will not lead us to Jesus but away from Him.
The best I can do in this case is to refer to some texts. First, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:12–16 that if any wife has an unbelieving husband and he consents to live with her, she must not leave, that the unbelieving man is sanctified by the believing wife.
That being said, I do not know what is actually occurring. If she is being abused, the Lord is not asking her to put herself in harm’s way in an ongoing way.
Peter addresses a similar issue in 1 Peter 3:1–7. He says that wives are to be submissive to their husbands “so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives.” Verse 6 even says, “Just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.”
The way I understand it, a wife is to be submissive and respectful to her husband, even if he is unbelieving. The Lord can use a loving, respectful wife to reach her husband without the use of arguments or harangues.
At the same time, a woman is to obey the Lord Jesus. I do not see the command to be submissive and respectful as also commanding a wife to participate in false worship. If that were true, Peter and Paul wouldn’t have made the distinction about believing wives and unbelieving (or disobedient) husbands. A believing wife who has truly trusted the Lord Jesus and has been born again may not participate in false worship of another gospel or another Jesus. Yet she is asked to love, respect, and honor her husband.
Tricky place to live
This is a very tricky place to live; a husband such as the one you describe who has gone into Hebrew Roots may be demanding and rigid. I know he may be difficult and may say things that will elicit guilt or fear in his wife. Ultimately, wives have to trust God and ask Him to protect them and to show them how to love their husbands for God. Loving someone for God doesn’t necessarily mean doing what common wisdom would say “love” looks like. Rather, it means being willing to stand in front of the unbelieving husband not having any idea how to proceed but asking the Lord to love him through her, even if she has no sense of revelation or clarity about what to do. If, though, she is willing to stand in trust and submission before the Lord, He can and will work through her to touch the husband.
Sometimes the Lord will strengthen His daughters to obey Him and not the husband, even while being respectful to the husband. Sometimes the Lord will protect the wives by removing them from danger.
Meanwhile, however, a woman must honor God and trust Him, placing her faith entirely in His finished work. The Lord does not ask us to participate in false worship in order to keep peace; He asks us to love, respect, and honor our husbands, submitting to them as to the Lord (Eph. 5:22–33), but giving the Lord Jesus our honor and worship. The Lord knows how to keep a believing wife submitted and faithful to Him while showing her how to navigate a very difficult situation with a demanding husband who has hidden behind the Law to attempt to control his life.
For a man to go from the background of DTS to Hebrew Roots suggests to me that he is struggling internally with something that is not submitted and trusting. Perhaps there is something in his life which he feels he cannot “manage” or control, and he is returning to the law to attempt to discipline himself in holiness. He may need to repent for things that plague him which he may not have faced.
I would suggest his wife pray for both herself and her husband to know what is true and real. I suggest that she pray that if there is something deep and unacknowledged that needs to be dealt with and submitted to the Lord, that the Lord show them. I would suggest that she pray with her husband to know the Lord’s will and to be planted deeply in truth and reality and to be anchored in His word.
I would also give her Philippians 4:6-8 and pray that she will trust the Lord, be anxious for nothing, be able to submit her husband to the Lord, and to allow the Lord to be the Holy Spirit to him, not she herself.
I have great sympathy for this situation. It may be a symptom of something dark and deep that is driving the husband and possibly also the wife. The Holy Spirit is the One who convicts of sin, righteousness, and judgment (Jn. 16:8–11). Only in Christ is there freedom from persistent sin, obsessive-compulsive attempts to be holy, and spiritual depression.
I am praying now that both she and he will be willing to trust God and His word and will know His light shining into the darkness of their marriage, revealing what He wants them to see and bringing repentance and restoration where it is needed. †
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